Ship Log 3
9th of Autumn, 3rd half solar day, 50th year of Homura


There are days, when I feel "fine" but feeling "fine" doesn't really bring any real meaning or emotion.





when I close my eyes,

I forget how cold it is, how my lips crack, and how sometimes my stomach hurts in a dull/dead way from worry...how my mind sleeps because it is so bored...how I have to remember to do what I must do, how to practice, and memorize some of the things that father gave for me to study to prepare for our journey to the base...

And I'll remember the house, the warmth of the air, I'll remember her smile and breath and smell, I'll remember how she holds me when she puts me to bed, how she sings to me, and how I'll sleep with a smile on my face because I know someone loves me and is taking care of me, how I can depend on her, and how in the morning, though I have to go to a place where they laugh at me ...a place where I feel so small, I'll come back home later and she'll be there waiting for me and I'll run into her arms...

grandmother...and mother...

and those are the times I do not feel fine...because it's like holding onto something that isn't there any longer.

I have to remind myself that I am still here, I have to be strong. And that father is kind and is with me.

...Speaking of father,
We have become close, we train together a lot,and because of it, I am ACTUALLY improving in my stances and attacks. He also tells me things he remembers about mother and grandmother, and it is of a comfort to me.

But one night, on the deck, it became quiet between us...because I had looked up at him, felt something come out of me..anger? I don't know, but I asked;

"If you care so much about me, why did you leave to go to the navy and...left me with grandmother...when mother died?"

A hurt expression came to his calm face...

I became afraid and ashamed. I bowed low and apologized, then I ran to my quarters. Like a dishonorable coward.

It became quite cold again, I felt guilty for saying such a thing, but at the same time, I was still angry.

A couple hours later, father came into the room, I pretended to sleep. But he softly sat on the bed next to me and whispered:

"I...know what you're thinking...no matter if it was the demand of the FireLord, or my superiors, or of the entire nation, a father should not just leave their children during such a time... and you're right...as selfish as that sounds..."

I kept still, still not opening my eyes.

"After your mother died...I felt bare...lifeless and helpless. Then I was called to duty to Fort Shu Wei, it was there that perhaps I thought, perhaps I would be of some use, and of some power, as a Liutenant of the Firenation navy. That even if I couldn't do anything as a husband to her, that I could at least ...but I was wrong. I wrote to you everyday, your grandmother says you read each letter and responded to each one, telling me how you were doing, mostly about your fluteplaying...and I've kept all of them..."

He crept over to a bureau, and unlocked it, taking out a heavy stack of papers.

"The only time you didn't respond, was my last letter to you...that was the only time. I've kept all of these, and sometimes, I think; 'in thinking I failed as a husband, and in trying to be a better man, did I forget about being a father? "

I stopped pretending to sleep and sat up and stared at him. My eyes began to water.

Then I saw that his eyes were watering as well, he held my hands, and bowed his head.

"...Forgive me Rei."

The man who was so proud, so calm and stern, who would not often show such vulnerable emotions and such personal fears to his men, or anyone for that matter.

Honorable Lt. Ryohei of the 8th Fleet of the Firenation Navy... my father, who fought enemies without fear in the South Pole, who lead men and sailed on great ships.
After my rudeness... was the one asking me for forgiveness.

I grabbed onto him and started to cry into his shirt.

He put his arms around me, and began to stroke my hair.

"No..I'm the one who should be-"

"It's alright, Rei." he said "I won't turn away this time, you are my daughter, more precious than any rare fire stone, than any rank the Firelord can give. I'll keep you close to me, and I'll keep you safe, I promise."

and It is times like that, I somehow start to remember how things feel again.